Filed by KOSU News in Art & Life.
August 17, 2011

I’m a little worried about Conan The Barbarian.

He’s been a barbarian for a long time, and I’m starting to think it’s possible that he’s sticking with barbarism simply because he doesn’t realize that there are other possibilities. I just want to make sure he knows he has options. The descriptions of his new movie say that Conan The Barbarian is about how he’s on a quest to avenge the murders of a bunch of people, and that’s fine, but if he decides he needs to self-identify in another way, he could make other movies.

Conan The Wagnerian. He is on a quest to write something as fundamentally satisfying as the Ring Cycle.

Conan The Centenarian. He is on a quest to have his birthday recognized by Willard Scott.

Conan The Fruitarian. He is on a quest to convince everyone to eat only what falls on the ground.

Conan The Yossarian. Crossover! Matchup! Literary smackdown!

Conan The Humanitarian. In this variation, he gets way nicer.

Conan The Antidisestablishmentarian. He will have to wear an XL shirt in softball league.

Conan The Rotarian. Gives great speeches.

Conan The Delawarean. Loves to party at Rehoboth Beach.

Conan The Contrarian. “Conan, what is best in life?” “… No.”

Conan The Documentarian. The Ken Burns of his time. Except with less stuff about the Red Sox.

Special thanks: Beth Novey, Madelyn Mahon, Andrew Lapin [Copyright 2011 National Public Radio]