Filed by KOSU News in Art & Life.
July 18, 2011

Fox’s popular reality cooking competition show, Hell’s Kitchen, starring the usually profane superstar chef Gordon Ramsay, returns tonight at 8 p.m. Eastern. In its honor, because it is profoundly silly, we offer this profoundly silly tribute.

To be, or not to be, you [bleep]ing donkey: that is the question: Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer The utter [bleep] of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a [bleep]ing dog’s dinner, And by opposing end it? To burn: to scald; No more; and by a simmer to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That a simple [bleep]ing garnish is heir to, ’tis a consomme Devoutly to be wish’d. To braise; to sear; To sear: perchance to make a simple [bleep]ing salad: ay, there’s the rub; For in that salad what hair may be found When you have bent over the plate with your [bleep]ing sweaty face, Must give us pause: there’s the respect That makes a [bleep]ing disaster of a piece of salmon; For who would bear the pink beef (IT’S NOT COOKED!), The returned pasta, the proud man’s broken sauce, The pangs of food poisoning, the appetizer’s delay, The insolence of [spits out rest of sentence into trashcan]That the angry cameraman into the freezer takes, When he himself might identify soy sauce With a blindfold on? Why are you standing over the soup, To grunt and sweat and stick your [bleep]ing filthy fingers in it, But that the promise of being a meaningless figurehead in my fabulous Las Vegas restaurant, The undiscover’d country from whose bourn No traveller returns, is [bleep-bleep] And makes us rather eat a plate of sheep [bleep] Than feed anyone this overcooked risotto? Thus an idiot does make pea soup that looks like dog vomit; And has the native hue of seaweed I’m sicklied o’er every time I look at this [bleep]ing scallop, And enterprises of great [bleep] and [bleep] With this [bleep]ing [bleep] their currants turn to [bleep], And lose the [bleep]ing [bleep].–GET OUT! Madam! Take off your jacket And leave Hamlet’s kitchen. [Copyright 2011 National Public Radio]